Dear Fashion God,

I know you must be a man because if you were a woman, we wouldn’t be having these issues. Why is it that I am a size six in Brand A jeans, and a size 12 in Brand B, while Brand C doesn’t make anything that fits me at all?

But I digress. The real reason I am writing is this: Please, no more surged hems and unfinished edges. I beg you. I realize that I am picky and anal, but how can you expect me to buy clothes that wouldn’t even pass 4-H clothing judging (and don’t get me started on the sheer material they use. If I wanted people to see my bra, I wouldn’t be wearing a shirt in the first place).

I do want to say thank you for FINALLY getting rid (mostly) of those cropped baby tees that always showed way too much stomach (even the larges). They’re kind of like those jogging shorts from the 70’s–it doesn’t matter how toned you are, they don’t look good on anyone.

While we’re on the subject of the seventies, can you please do something about those awful polyester print shirts they’re bringing back? I mean, I know the seventies probably doesn’t even want them anymore, but we REALLY dont’ want them.

Thanks.

Your humble servant,

Sophia